I want my arm back

I am now patient of Krankenhouse Herz Jesu (Heart of Jesus Hospital). Yesterday 4 doctors were badly impressed how my wound is not healing and no bone is forming. My last operation left me with necrosis which was replaced by an opening which shows my muscle, tissues, bone, screws and and nails as in a drawing from a medical book. Everything is clean and still, no blood, lymph or sensitivity in my elbow, as if the body is ignoring this project. Doctors are talking about elbow replacement Elbow arthro surgery (fun stuff). Which scares me to death. They are not in a hurry, but they say - see, your body is not responding, it is not healing. We can't even patch your wound with skin from somewhere else because the flap will be nightmare for the future operations. Your arm is in a really bad shape, buddy. Get your shit together.

How did I get to this point? There are moments of sadness, disappointment and anger when I have wished to be emotionless. Why suffer? To be numb is such a blessing I thought. Now I have a sample of numbness, and it is so bad, and is so not natural, that one can only hope this not to happen to its heart. “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~ Dalai Lama

Our destiny is in our hands/minds/consciousness, and our life is affected by every thought and feeling we have. I am going to read some Gregg Braden these days, but I already know it in my heart.