Currently in Las Vegas, USA
I think Obama wants to eat me.
It's fortunate that I am not a surgeon - just cut the wrong sleeve of my sweater. Today the doctor used a tool similar to a teaspoon to dig and scrape into the hole of my elbow till I produced some blood which left him very pleased with himself, and he pronounced that I shall live. I told him about the mountain, and he put a bigger splint on my arm. On that account I am cutting the sleeves on my clothes now.
Here is an idea - if you ever find your hike for the day too easy and boring because of easy terrain or your company is slowing you down, tie one or both of your arms to your torso and you will instantly rise the grade of your climbing route. Sometimes I think that we "only thrive on the narrow escapes from our own recklessness" - from "Hell on wheels".
I felt like Babylon laying down and doctors were discussing my situation in 3 languages - German, English and Bulgarian. One of the doctors in the council is Anton Pavlov. Languages were not the only reason I felt like this. My course of treatment contains contradictions. The joint is capsulised in 90°, the skin is stretched, nails are protruding, so they put my elbow in a splint. On the other hand (figuratively speaking) the soft tissues that are obstructing the movement at the moment need all the exercise and physiotherapy. Immobilizing the arm is very bad for them. But I need the skin on top. Contradiction is bad for you.
Some people, like Walt Whitman, can handle contradictions "Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." I can't. Handling multitudes sounds like schizophrenia to me. I have to tune into one frequency and stop contradicting myself in what I want. Or my arm will end up like the Tower of Babel.
What contradictions you say? Here is an example.
I am now patient of Krankenhouse Herz Jesu (Heart of Jesus Hospital). Yesterday 4 doctors were badly impressed how my wound is not healing and no bone is forming. My last operation left me with necrosis which was replaced by an opening which shows my muscle, tissues, bone, screws and and nails as in a drawing from a medical book. Everything is clean and still, no blood, lymph or sensitivity in my elbow, as if the body is ignoring this project. Doctors are talking about elbow replacement Elbow arthro surgery (fun stuff). Which scares me to death. They are not in a hurry, but they say - see, your body is not responding, it is not healing. We can't even patch your wound with skin from somewhere else because the flap will be nightmare for the future operations. Your arm is in a really bad shape, buddy. Get your shit together.
How did I get to this point? There are moments of sadness, disappointment and anger when I have wished to be emotionless. Why suffer? To be numb is such a blessing I thought. Now I have a sample of numbness, and it is so bad, and is so not natural, that one can only hope this not to happen to its heart. “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~ Dalai Lama
Our destiny is in our hands/minds/consciousness, and our life is affected by every thought and feeling we have. I am going to read some Gregg Braden these days, but I already know it in my heart.
Meet my new friend. I found him at Pirogov where the second operation took place. He was Veronica's, a very sweet 18y old girl who had hip replacement after a car accident. Veronica is a super girl - always smiling, courageous and beautiful. She gave me her Bear because she said that I need a cheerful companion. I look sad she said. I call him Dzibelia. We have been together since. Photos from a walk in Kahlenberg and Leopoldsberg. The trees seem to be holding hands. We saw a little voodoo bear living in a trunk.
"If we are alert, with minds and eyes opens, we will see meaning in the commonplace; we will see very real purposes in situations which we might otherwise shrug off and call ‘chance’." ~ from a lecture by Roland Bach
The highlights of the last 3 months of my life are that the orthopedics in Kuala Lumpur put a set of metal implants in my left elbow, then the orthopedics in Sofia, Bulgaria disagree, open the arm, and replaced the parts they could with different ones. I was taken off track for some time waiting to heal, but then I realized that it is all in the head. You can't wait for something to happen in order to continue living. Life is composed from all the circumstances that we need to go through. There are not only sunny days, there is rain, hail, wind, storm - have to live them all.
Since there is no clarity as of when my health will be back to normal I will have to stop thinking what I can't do and start enjoying what I can. My medical saga moved to Vienna. I am posting this before I have met the next orthopedic surgeon who will evaluate the current condition of my arm and eventually take me under his knife for further mending. The wound from the last operation didn't close (3 months now), the elbow has very little flexion (5-10°) and no extension what so ever.
Even if I can't call myself a real bear and go into the wild, I can still go as a tourist - something I always looked down at, but hey, I settle to enjoy the things I can still do. Not to worry, not to be afraid, not to try to be what I was, enough selfpitty. It will all come back on its own terms. Not because of some emotions. Relax. Free myself. Freeing space invites new things to come into my life.